Friday, August 3, 2012
Monday, April 26, 2010
the one where i cry...
This may not make sense but its a clear venting blog... so be warned!
Some call me cold. Some call me too much. Some even chose words that I
rather not say. Maybe I do say what's on my mind. But honestly would you rather I talk behind your back? Even If I wanted to I won't. Why? because it's not
something I would want you to do to me. Why would I gossip about you hurt you or even tell something that didn't come from your mouth.
For the first time in a long time I thought "what if I didn't say
anything!?" what if I sat there quietly not trying to be your friend
as I do or say how I feels bout something that you said or did.
Last night I cried over this. I cried over people I love and walk with
daily. Seeing some not try with me as they do others. when someone doesn't do
what you want you trash talk them! Why!?
Now don't get me wrong I get frustrated with my best friends or even just friends. But that never gives me the right to talk bout you behind your back as soon as you leave or aren't around. It makes me think WOW what do you say when I'm not around! Why would I even care to be your friend when you do that.
I watch people alot and some prob don't even know I do or listen. Well last night I cried over it, I cried that I didn't want it to be this way. I cried because you have made it so hard for me to reach people that I love and care about because you talk behind peoples back. I cried because I love you and I don't want people to see you as a person that talks behind your back. I cried because I don't wanna lose unity. I cried over the way people treat people.
My heart is broken because I fight for every friendship. I have one friend that I have done the possible worst thing too. I went behind her back, betrayed her and then(a couple of years ago) she confronted me about the past everything I had done. I literally felt like my heart was taken out of my chest and stomp on. I felt what I had put her through. I think I cried in my roommates arms for hours about it I cried. Now I value her sooo much more we are so honest with each other and even now we have the same vision and dreams and its by the grace of God that we are friends and love each other.
So when I see people say things... hurtful thing I can't help but be upset..... I'm so hurt by things that I hear you say. I really don't know why I'm so upset but I know suppose to love you be there and try. Even though alot of the people I try with don't.
I can't desribe how upset I am at this moment because half the stuff I
don't understand. But I do know I will try harder now because I love
you. Because God has broken my heart and showd me how much he loves me
and how things that I fight for mean so much more than I realized. So
maybe the keeping quiet isn't for me.
But I will fight for this I will not stop and I will cotinue to cry
and pray and push even though you don't.
Some call me cold. Some call me too much. Some even chose words that I
rather not say. Maybe I do say what's on my mind. But honestly would you rather I talk behind your back? Even If I wanted to I won't. Why? because it's not
something I would want you to do to me. Why would I gossip about you hurt you or even tell something that didn't come from your mouth.
For the first time in a long time I thought "what if I didn't say
anything!?" what if I sat there quietly not trying to be your friend
as I do or say how I feels bout something that you said or did.
Last night I cried over this. I cried over people I love and walk with
daily. Seeing some not try with me as they do others. when someone doesn't do
what you want you trash talk them! Why!?
Now don't get me wrong I get frustrated with my best friends or even just friends. But that never gives me the right to talk bout you behind your back as soon as you leave or aren't around. It makes me think WOW what do you say when I'm not around! Why would I even care to be your friend when you do that.
I watch people alot and some prob don't even know I do or listen. Well last night I cried over it, I cried that I didn't want it to be this way. I cried because you have made it so hard for me to reach people that I love and care about because you talk behind peoples back. I cried because I love you and I don't want people to see you as a person that talks behind your back. I cried because I don't wanna lose unity. I cried over the way people treat people.
My heart is broken because I fight for every friendship. I have one friend that I have done the possible worst thing too. I went behind her back, betrayed her and then(a couple of years ago) she confronted me about the past everything I had done. I literally felt like my heart was taken out of my chest and stomp on. I felt what I had put her through. I think I cried in my roommates arms for hours about it I cried. Now I value her sooo much more we are so honest with each other and even now we have the same vision and dreams and its by the grace of God that we are friends and love each other.
So when I see people say things... hurtful thing I can't help but be upset..... I'm so hurt by things that I hear you say. I really don't know why I'm so upset but I know suppose to love you be there and try. Even though alot of the people I try with don't.
I can't desribe how upset I am at this moment because half the stuff I
don't understand. But I do know I will try harder now because I love
you. Because God has broken my heart and showd me how much he loves me
and how things that I fight for mean so much more than I realized. So
maybe the keeping quiet isn't for me.
But I will fight for this I will not stop and I will cotinue to cry
and pray and push even though you don't.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Another green day...another year
St. Patrick’s Day… for some it means green beer or a parade. Even just wearing green that day or saying “kiss me I’m Irish” and so on. Well for me it’s a day that changed my life. Some could say bad but I say good.
Playing a game this weekend a question was ask “if you could change anything about your life what would it be?” my first thought. “That my dad would have died when he did.” It was suppose to be a fun moment but it’s all I thought about. But then I really started thinking about it “WHAT IF”, something that can tear you mind up. But then I really started to think about it. What if my dad didn’t die? Would I have change my ways? Probably not. Would I have moved in with my mom and stop partying. Probably not. I am who I am because of my dad. I changed because I was tired of hurting. Tired of trying to find something that work. I wanted to change and make myself better because I didn’t want to throw my life away anymore.
It seems longer to me. 5yrs. I could say 10 really. But I do remember the day very much.
I went to work March 17, 2005 Thursday. (fyi I worked with my dad) I wore a Colorado state shirt it was green with some jeans. I ended up going home that day because I felt sick and I didn’t want to go home because that mean I would have to call my dad and tell him that I went home. Of course I was scared of him and what he would say. “How sick are you” “did you stay as long as you could” I mean he just cared about my job and didn’t want me to mess it up. I ended up calling him asking him at the hospital where he was at for a couple of days due to stomach pains. He found out that day that he had to get gallstones taken out. But before that he had to undergo a stress test. He had a heart attack 14 years earlier and had a damage heart I guess you could say. When I called my mom told me what happened and she told my dad that I was sick and was going home. I could hear him talking through her and I just told my mom to give the phone to him. I can’t remember the whole convo but I ask him if I needed to come up there for the surgery he said no its fine just rest. I ask him “okay no big deal?” he said “no big deal” I brushed it off saying the usual okay love you see ya later. I feel asleep and after many phone calls with my mom, sister and brother saying that my dad was pretty bad off during his stress test it probably was 30 mins off freaking out then we found out my dad didn’t make it.
The next couple days were rolled into one people calling, people coming over. Funeral. Not sure how it all went. I changed a lot in different ways. Even my best friend jess said I was’t the same person she said it’s like the life was gone from my eyes. I think that’s kinda scary honestly but life did go on.
I am thankful for what I have in my life. I’m so much more grateful for my family and don’t take them for granted one day. I sometimes think if everything fell away besides God they would be all I have and each day I’m more and more thankful that I have them in my life even if we don’t talk every day Or see each other every day. I know that if these events wouldn’t have happened I wouldn’t be who I am today and my heart and body would be in such a different place.
I love my family so much more than I did 5 years ago. My mom and I have grown so much in our friendship. We wouldn’t have this if it wasn’t for my dad. I like him more and didn’t get along with my mom at all. I did see myself as a daddy’s girl. My mom is everything to me now. I appreciate her so much more than I did. We still have our tiffs but over all I call her more. She prays for me every day and I do feel loved by her in her own ways but she is my mom and I love her sooo much. I’m so happy that she has found Danny and isn’t going to grow old and alone.
My older brother Marc and his family are such servants to my mom and PTC. They just give to their friends and family. I think they’re funny and loving. I can’t wait for a certain day in my life when I get to ask my older brother to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I really believe for a lot of things and this is something that is going to bring us closer.
My older sister becky has a family of her own too they live in corpus and I don’t see them as much but she is someone I can call whenever I want and just talk about life she is funny and a wonderful mother to her kids who I love so much and could spend time with them all the time. I can’t wait till they move back!!
My other older sister suzanna who is my best friend and my faithful laugher. She is one of the best people I know! She is so devoted to her church and family. I love being around her 24/7 she makes me run harder after God and always calls me out on my crap. I love her and appreciate who she is.
Then there is my younger brother Benjamin. My best friend for life. We have had our difference and pretty much hated each other till he was 16. He currently is living in Abilene and married for almost 3yrs and will be 22 in Oct. So he’s ahead of the game with me but man do I love him and the man he is today. He’s also changed for the good and works hard for his family. I can’t wait for him to have a kid he’s going to be a great dad!
So yeah what if my dad didn’t die when he did I might still have him and life would be better with him around but who would I be? How long would it have taken for me to turn my life around I mean I’m not saying God wouldn’t make it happen it’s just when would I have allowed him to take over my life. So for that I have grown and allowed God to move in my life than I have ever before.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t miss my dad like crazy that the tattoo clover on my wrist doesn’t mean I’m Irish or that I don’t wanna be pinch. Or that when I allow myself to cry it’s pretty ugly and I could almost throw up from crying so hard because I miss my daddy that much.
St. Patrick’s day will never be the same again for me.
Until next time on a brighter note.
Angela
Playing a game this weekend a question was ask “if you could change anything about your life what would it be?” my first thought. “That my dad would have died when he did.” It was suppose to be a fun moment but it’s all I thought about. But then I really started thinking about it “WHAT IF”, something that can tear you mind up. But then I really started to think about it. What if my dad didn’t die? Would I have change my ways? Probably not. Would I have moved in with my mom and stop partying. Probably not. I am who I am because of my dad. I changed because I was tired of hurting. Tired of trying to find something that work. I wanted to change and make myself better because I didn’t want to throw my life away anymore.
It seems longer to me. 5yrs. I could say 10 really. But I do remember the day very much.
I went to work March 17, 2005 Thursday. (fyi I worked with my dad) I wore a Colorado state shirt it was green with some jeans. I ended up going home that day because I felt sick and I didn’t want to go home because that mean I would have to call my dad and tell him that I went home. Of course I was scared of him and what he would say. “How sick are you” “did you stay as long as you could” I mean he just cared about my job and didn’t want me to mess it up. I ended up calling him asking him at the hospital where he was at for a couple of days due to stomach pains. He found out that day that he had to get gallstones taken out. But before that he had to undergo a stress test. He had a heart attack 14 years earlier and had a damage heart I guess you could say. When I called my mom told me what happened and she told my dad that I was sick and was going home. I could hear him talking through her and I just told my mom to give the phone to him. I can’t remember the whole convo but I ask him if I needed to come up there for the surgery he said no its fine just rest. I ask him “okay no big deal?” he said “no big deal” I brushed it off saying the usual okay love you see ya later. I feel asleep and after many phone calls with my mom, sister and brother saying that my dad was pretty bad off during his stress test it probably was 30 mins off freaking out then we found out my dad didn’t make it.
The next couple days were rolled into one people calling, people coming over. Funeral. Not sure how it all went. I changed a lot in different ways. Even my best friend jess said I was’t the same person she said it’s like the life was gone from my eyes. I think that’s kinda scary honestly but life did go on.
I am thankful for what I have in my life. I’m so much more grateful for my family and don’t take them for granted one day. I sometimes think if everything fell away besides God they would be all I have and each day I’m more and more thankful that I have them in my life even if we don’t talk every day Or see each other every day. I know that if these events wouldn’t have happened I wouldn’t be who I am today and my heart and body would be in such a different place.
I love my family so much more than I did 5 years ago. My mom and I have grown so much in our friendship. We wouldn’t have this if it wasn’t for my dad. I like him more and didn’t get along with my mom at all. I did see myself as a daddy’s girl. My mom is everything to me now. I appreciate her so much more than I did. We still have our tiffs but over all I call her more. She prays for me every day and I do feel loved by her in her own ways but she is my mom and I love her sooo much. I’m so happy that she has found Danny and isn’t going to grow old and alone.
My older brother Marc and his family are such servants to my mom and PTC. They just give to their friends and family. I think they’re funny and loving. I can’t wait for a certain day in my life when I get to ask my older brother to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I really believe for a lot of things and this is something that is going to bring us closer.
My older sister becky has a family of her own too they live in corpus and I don’t see them as much but she is someone I can call whenever I want and just talk about life she is funny and a wonderful mother to her kids who I love so much and could spend time with them all the time. I can’t wait till they move back!!
My other older sister suzanna who is my best friend and my faithful laugher. She is one of the best people I know! She is so devoted to her church and family. I love being around her 24/7 she makes me run harder after God and always calls me out on my crap. I love her and appreciate who she is.
Then there is my younger brother Benjamin. My best friend for life. We have had our difference and pretty much hated each other till he was 16. He currently is living in Abilene and married for almost 3yrs and will be 22 in Oct. So he’s ahead of the game with me but man do I love him and the man he is today. He’s also changed for the good and works hard for his family. I can’t wait for him to have a kid he’s going to be a great dad!
So yeah what if my dad didn’t die when he did I might still have him and life would be better with him around but who would I be? How long would it have taken for me to turn my life around I mean I’m not saying God wouldn’t make it happen it’s just when would I have allowed him to take over my life. So for that I have grown and allowed God to move in my life than I have ever before.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t miss my dad like crazy that the tattoo clover on my wrist doesn’t mean I’m Irish or that I don’t wanna be pinch. Or that when I allow myself to cry it’s pretty ugly and I could almost throw up from crying so hard because I miss my daddy that much.
St. Patrick’s day will never be the same again for me.
Until next time on a brighter note.
Angela
Friday, March 5, 2010
Yearly Tradition.. Hate to love
... Skky Ranch(yes i know its spelled with jst one k) I can't really think how many times I've gone but its well over 10 times. I used to hate going when I was in high school. I was doing my own thing and never connected with anyone but my sister. It just wasnt my thing I had more "important things" as a high schooler I guess everything is more important than God. But I have had some great and bad times there. I even have some funny stories to tell about skky ranch one you'll just have to ask me its probly my dumbest "moment of my life". The other well I think it was in 08 of course usally its cold at sky ranch and as always we had a bon fire. S'mores it was! I'm just kickin like I always do and got my marshmallow on the bent wire hanger. As its done i twist my hanger back causing the mallow to get thrown back in my face on my right cheek. I didnt think it was bad but I'm pretty sure it was 3rd degree burn that hurt for almost 2 weeks and it didnt scar! PTL!
But like I said its been a difficult time to want to be there. Now as being apart of 1829 I've grown to love it more and more. I really don't think I've been this excited about sky ranch. Usally it just a time to play football, take naps, ride horses and hang with friends. Which is all fun but this time it feels different its something i've hated and grown to love. It's a time to just go for it. A weekend of letting loose, giving it all to God that has never let me down. a GOd that continues to love me even though I mess up time and time again.
So none the less I am excited about it over all and though some things are small doesnt mean there not going to be life changing. I'm really hoping to get closer with some girls and one that I met on wednesday night as she is made it very clear her mother is making her :) oh mothers what would we do with out you!
I wanna just leave you with this. I read an email my mom foward me and at the end it said this.
"We are living in days of such destiny. Don't ever belittle why you are alive in this day. You were born to burn, born to shine and this is your time. The decisions we make today determine the future."
until next time.
be praying for life change this wknd at skky ranch.
shark sugar out.
But like I said its been a difficult time to want to be there. Now as being apart of 1829 I've grown to love it more and more. I really don't think I've been this excited about sky ranch. Usally it just a time to play football, take naps, ride horses and hang with friends. Which is all fun but this time it feels different its something i've hated and grown to love. It's a time to just go for it. A weekend of letting loose, giving it all to God that has never let me down. a GOd that continues to love me even though I mess up time and time again.
So none the less I am excited about it over all and though some things are small doesnt mean there not going to be life changing. I'm really hoping to get closer with some girls and one that I met on wednesday night as she is made it very clear her mother is making her :) oh mothers what would we do with out you!
I wanna just leave you with this. I read an email my mom foward me and at the end it said this.
"We are living in days of such destiny. Don't ever belittle why you are alive in this day. You were born to burn, born to shine and this is your time. The decisions we make today determine the future."
until next time.
be praying for life change this wknd at skky ranch.
shark sugar out.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
that time already
....Yep another year of blissful weddings! Now let’s see since 18 I have been in a total of 7 weddings which is pretty much 1 a year and help out with tons! I think last year I went to around 10 weddings! Now don’t get me wrong I love weddings and going to weddings there fun and I’m always excited to be a part of stuff like that. I know that I don’t have to go to all the showers and get them things and sometimes it can be hard to get them all something.
But I’ve already set my calendar up and pretty much have 3 wedding before may and I’m in one, help coordinating one and then one I can’t go to so I’m pretty much going to everything else! So pretty much all my weekends are taking up by weddings, birthdays, help my sister move, girls brunch, and other things. Kind of crazy to think about how busy I can make myself without even trying! Well maybe I try a bit but most of it just falls into place.
All of these weddings too are people I knew in High School so that’s pretty cool to see them grow and find the people they want to be with the rest of their lives. One wedding I’m in is my dear friend Ashley, she was actually one of my first friends at Grand Prairie High my freshmen year I sat right behind her in Spanish and the rest is history! Well kind of and that was in 2000! She’s one of the only people too that always said I would be in her wedding and here it is. It’s my second destination wedding it’s going to be in south padre in may so that will be extra fun to just go have fun with friends. I love her dearly and she is someone who is funny and very sweet. She is one of those people who makes me soft around the edges (people say I rough around the edges)
So here’s to a year of Love with all the weddings, parties and Lots of babies (hopefully my little brother will have his first and my older sister will have her 4th)
But on the real I will tell everyone when I get married they better all be there and with gifts in hand! Payback it’s a b@#%! Shark sugar out.
But I’ve already set my calendar up and pretty much have 3 wedding before may and I’m in one, help coordinating one and then one I can’t go to so I’m pretty much going to everything else! So pretty much all my weekends are taking up by weddings, birthdays, help my sister move, girls brunch, and other things. Kind of crazy to think about how busy I can make myself without even trying! Well maybe I try a bit but most of it just falls into place.
All of these weddings too are people I knew in High School so that’s pretty cool to see them grow and find the people they want to be with the rest of their lives. One wedding I’m in is my dear friend Ashley, she was actually one of my first friends at Grand Prairie High my freshmen year I sat right behind her in Spanish and the rest is history! Well kind of and that was in 2000! She’s one of the only people too that always said I would be in her wedding and here it is. It’s my second destination wedding it’s going to be in south padre in may so that will be extra fun to just go have fun with friends. I love her dearly and she is someone who is funny and very sweet. She is one of those people who makes me soft around the edges (people say I rough around the edges)
So here’s to a year of Love with all the weddings, parties and Lots of babies (hopefully my little brother will have his first and my older sister will have her 4th)
But on the real I will tell everyone when I get married they better all be there and with gifts in hand! Payback it’s a b@#%! Shark sugar out.
Monday, February 8, 2010
a year of love
This Thursday is the Anniversary that I will have been at my job for a whole year… a year has gone by. I remember starting here and being scared and not sure if I was walking out what God had for me.
It is a year later and I know so much more about physicians, about bills with companies, how much it really takes to move a company from a building even down the street. Also working with 8- 10 guys for and 4 girls. It’s been a struggle at times. Learning how to handle each person, learning what erks them. I’ve also have seen my bosses give their heart and soul for this company and seen people treat their job like nothing and coming hung over or still drunk. So yes this has been an experience.
“I am a light. I am a light” that’s something I say pretty much every day. Lord really how can I be a light? You see I was pretty much them 4 years ago. I party like hell and didn’t care. Not all of them mind you do this but there is something I can see in them that I had. Lost, not sure on direction. Drinking & Smoking myself into a hole where there was no light.
So it was very hard to be here in the beginning of this job wondering if I would fall to my old ways do what I used to do. It took a while for me to realize that I am not that person and now I’m as different as night and day. I thank God everyday for the light that always over comes dark.
Being here I have grown to love each person as anyone else. I don’t judge them for one that’s something I still feel with people. Even in the church certain remarks about my past and realizing you’re the type of person that people I work with hate. “Hypocrites” “Their trying to show me how holy they are” as someone once told me.
I know not all are people are like it but sometimes it’s hard for me to grasp why can’t you just love them. Be a light to them. Love them like Jesus loved. I know my love for people didn’t come over night. It really did take almost 2 years. I love loving people. Most of the time I think of my brothers and sister and want someone to just love them. Showing them that I love them for who they are and honestly there’s nothing probably that would shock me or that I haven’t done.
So I may not be perfect but man I can love like no other. If that’s why I am here if that’s what this year did for someone here and all they got was that I loved them. Then that’s good enuff. Well at least for now.
It is a year later and I know so much more about physicians, about bills with companies, how much it really takes to move a company from a building even down the street. Also working with 8- 10 guys for and 4 girls. It’s been a struggle at times. Learning how to handle each person, learning what erks them. I’ve also have seen my bosses give their heart and soul for this company and seen people treat their job like nothing and coming hung over or still drunk. So yes this has been an experience.
“I am a light. I am a light” that’s something I say pretty much every day. Lord really how can I be a light? You see I was pretty much them 4 years ago. I party like hell and didn’t care. Not all of them mind you do this but there is something I can see in them that I had. Lost, not sure on direction. Drinking & Smoking myself into a hole where there was no light.
So it was very hard to be here in the beginning of this job wondering if I would fall to my old ways do what I used to do. It took a while for me to realize that I am not that person and now I’m as different as night and day. I thank God everyday for the light that always over comes dark.
Being here I have grown to love each person as anyone else. I don’t judge them for one that’s something I still feel with people. Even in the church certain remarks about my past and realizing you’re the type of person that people I work with hate. “Hypocrites” “Their trying to show me how holy they are” as someone once told me.
I know not all are people are like it but sometimes it’s hard for me to grasp why can’t you just love them. Be a light to them. Love them like Jesus loved. I know my love for people didn’t come over night. It really did take almost 2 years. I love loving people. Most of the time I think of my brothers and sister and want someone to just love them. Showing them that I love them for who they are and honestly there’s nothing probably that would shock me or that I haven’t done.
So I may not be perfect but man I can love like no other. If that’s why I am here if that’s what this year did for someone here and all they got was that I loved them. Then that’s good enuff. Well at least for now.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
the one with lemon crap
Well if you don't know me you'll soon find out there are certain things I love and cleanses are one of them! Seriously I have done a good amount and the one that I am trying to overcome is the master cleanse. I did 5 days the first time and 7 days the next soooo this time I am going to do the full 10 days which I can not wait I've been prepping my body for the past couple of days and will start it on Saturday.
I love the way my body feels when I do it. Plus as the new year starts I physically and emotionally don't wanna carry around waste. I just feel like we always carry something and I like to start the year right.
You pretty much drink lemonade and I don't like lemonade so things will have to change it to a love of the lemon juice. People may think I'm a little crazy but I can literally say I love doing cleanses.
On another note this past weekend was Awakening and Reformation Tour and I got to go. I never really enjoy conferences and only go to the night services but this one was different for me. I found myself wanting to be there the whole time! so I did. It wasn't like this was my favorite band or that they play my favorite songs but it was just a changing happening and I wanted to be apart of it. Well I really was just praying and I finally was like God I want my dreams again.... there was just a time where I haven't been dreaming and I missed them and sure enuff 2 days of some crazy dreams.
One of them was were there was alot of warfare going on and I certain things were just so clear and some not but I mean it was very much matrix! lol also the crazy thing about it I woke up at 4am and got up got some water and used the restroom and went back to bed and continued my dream right where I left off! which rarely happens to me.
But there is defiantly something brewing and I know God's got big plans for us all....
100days. crap.
until next time
I love the way my body feels when I do it. Plus as the new year starts I physically and emotionally don't wanna carry around waste. I just feel like we always carry something and I like to start the year right.
You pretty much drink lemonade and I don't like lemonade so things will have to change it to a love of the lemon juice. People may think I'm a little crazy but I can literally say I love doing cleanses.
On another note this past weekend was Awakening and Reformation Tour and I got to go. I never really enjoy conferences and only go to the night services but this one was different for me. I found myself wanting to be there the whole time! so I did. It wasn't like this was my favorite band or that they play my favorite songs but it was just a changing happening and I wanted to be apart of it. Well I really was just praying and I finally was like God I want my dreams again.... there was just a time where I haven't been dreaming and I missed them and sure enuff 2 days of some crazy dreams.
One of them was were there was alot of warfare going on and I certain things were just so clear and some not but I mean it was very much matrix! lol also the crazy thing about it I woke up at 4am and got up got some water and used the restroom and went back to bed and continued my dream right where I left off! which rarely happens to me.
But there is defiantly something brewing and I know God's got big plans for us all....
100days. crap.
until next time
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)