This may not make sense but its a clear venting blog... so be warned!
Some call me cold. Some call me too much. Some even chose words that I
rather not say. Maybe I do say what's on my mind. But honestly would you rather I talk behind your back? Even If I wanted to I won't. Why? because it's not
something I would want you to do to me. Why would I gossip about you hurt you or even tell something that didn't come from your mouth.
For the first time in a long time I thought "what if I didn't say
anything!?" what if I sat there quietly not trying to be your friend
as I do or say how I feels bout something that you said or did.
Last night I cried over this. I cried over people I love and walk with
daily. Seeing some not try with me as they do others. when someone doesn't do
what you want you trash talk them! Why!?
Now don't get me wrong I get frustrated with my best friends or even just friends. But that never gives me the right to talk bout you behind your back as soon as you leave or aren't around. It makes me think WOW what do you say when I'm not around! Why would I even care to be your friend when you do that.
I watch people alot and some prob don't even know I do or listen. Well last night I cried over it, I cried that I didn't want it to be this way. I cried because you have made it so hard for me to reach people that I love and care about because you talk behind peoples back. I cried because I love you and I don't want people to see you as a person that talks behind your back. I cried because I don't wanna lose unity. I cried over the way people treat people.
My heart is broken because I fight for every friendship. I have one friend that I have done the possible worst thing too. I went behind her back, betrayed her and then(a couple of years ago) she confronted me about the past everything I had done. I literally felt like my heart was taken out of my chest and stomp on. I felt what I had put her through. I think I cried in my roommates arms for hours about it I cried. Now I value her sooo much more we are so honest with each other and even now we have the same vision and dreams and its by the grace of God that we are friends and love each other.
So when I see people say things... hurtful thing I can't help but be upset..... I'm so hurt by things that I hear you say. I really don't know why I'm so upset but I know suppose to love you be there and try. Even though alot of the people I try with don't.
I can't desribe how upset I am at this moment because half the stuff I
don't understand. But I do know I will try harder now because I love
you. Because God has broken my heart and showd me how much he loves me
and how things that I fight for mean so much more than I realized. So
maybe the keeping quiet isn't for me.
But I will fight for this I will not stop and I will cotinue to cry
and pray and push even though you don't.
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