St. Patrick’s Day… for some it means green beer or a parade. Even just wearing green that day or saying “kiss me I’m Irish” and so on. Well for me it’s a day that changed my life. Some could say bad but I say good.
Playing a game this weekend a question was ask “if you could change anything about your life what would it be?” my first thought. “That my dad would have died when he did.” It was suppose to be a fun moment but it’s all I thought about. But then I really started thinking about it “WHAT IF”, something that can tear you mind up. But then I really started to think about it. What if my dad didn’t die? Would I have change my ways? Probably not. Would I have moved in with my mom and stop partying. Probably not. I am who I am because of my dad. I changed because I was tired of hurting. Tired of trying to find something that work. I wanted to change and make myself better because I didn’t want to throw my life away anymore.
It seems longer to me. 5yrs. I could say 10 really. But I do remember the day very much.
I went to work March 17, 2005 Thursday. (fyi I worked with my dad) I wore a Colorado state shirt it was green with some jeans. I ended up going home that day because I felt sick and I didn’t want to go home because that mean I would have to call my dad and tell him that I went home. Of course I was scared of him and what he would say. “How sick are you” “did you stay as long as you could” I mean he just cared about my job and didn’t want me to mess it up. I ended up calling him asking him at the hospital where he was at for a couple of days due to stomach pains. He found out that day that he had to get gallstones taken out. But before that he had to undergo a stress test. He had a heart attack 14 years earlier and had a damage heart I guess you could say. When I called my mom told me what happened and she told my dad that I was sick and was going home. I could hear him talking through her and I just told my mom to give the phone to him. I can’t remember the whole convo but I ask him if I needed to come up there for the surgery he said no its fine just rest. I ask him “okay no big deal?” he said “no big deal” I brushed it off saying the usual okay love you see ya later. I feel asleep and after many phone calls with my mom, sister and brother saying that my dad was pretty bad off during his stress test it probably was 30 mins off freaking out then we found out my dad didn’t make it.
The next couple days were rolled into one people calling, people coming over. Funeral. Not sure how it all went. I changed a lot in different ways. Even my best friend jess said I was’t the same person she said it’s like the life was gone from my eyes. I think that’s kinda scary honestly but life did go on.
I am thankful for what I have in my life. I’m so much more grateful for my family and don’t take them for granted one day. I sometimes think if everything fell away besides God they would be all I have and each day I’m more and more thankful that I have them in my life even if we don’t talk every day Or see each other every day. I know that if these events wouldn’t have happened I wouldn’t be who I am today and my heart and body would be in such a different place.
I love my family so much more than I did 5 years ago. My mom and I have grown so much in our friendship. We wouldn’t have this if it wasn’t for my dad. I like him more and didn’t get along with my mom at all. I did see myself as a daddy’s girl. My mom is everything to me now. I appreciate her so much more than I did. We still have our tiffs but over all I call her more. She prays for me every day and I do feel loved by her in her own ways but she is my mom and I love her sooo much. I’m so happy that she has found Danny and isn’t going to grow old and alone.
My older brother Marc and his family are such servants to my mom and PTC. They just give to their friends and family. I think they’re funny and loving. I can’t wait for a certain day in my life when I get to ask my older brother to walk me down the aisle at my wedding. I really believe for a lot of things and this is something that is going to bring us closer.
My older sister becky has a family of her own too they live in corpus and I don’t see them as much but she is someone I can call whenever I want and just talk about life she is funny and a wonderful mother to her kids who I love so much and could spend time with them all the time. I can’t wait till they move back!!
My other older sister suzanna who is my best friend and my faithful laugher. She is one of the best people I know! She is so devoted to her church and family. I love being around her 24/7 she makes me run harder after God and always calls me out on my crap. I love her and appreciate who she is.
Then there is my younger brother Benjamin. My best friend for life. We have had our difference and pretty much hated each other till he was 16. He currently is living in Abilene and married for almost 3yrs and will be 22 in Oct. So he’s ahead of the game with me but man do I love him and the man he is today. He’s also changed for the good and works hard for his family. I can’t wait for him to have a kid he’s going to be a great dad!
So yeah what if my dad didn’t die when he did I might still have him and life would be better with him around but who would I be? How long would it have taken for me to turn my life around I mean I’m not saying God wouldn’t make it happen it’s just when would I have allowed him to take over my life. So for that I have grown and allowed God to move in my life than I have ever before.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t miss my dad like crazy that the tattoo clover on my wrist doesn’t mean I’m Irish or that I don’t wanna be pinch. Or that when I allow myself to cry it’s pretty ugly and I could almost throw up from crying so hard because I miss my daddy that much.
St. Patrick’s day will never be the same again for me.
Until next time on a brighter note.
Angela
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